I’ve noticed a pattern among my clients who have a history of participating in what I call “aesthetic athletics.” These are activities such as ice skating, equestrian dressage, ballet and gymnastics, where success is evaluated using a subjective assessment of how well the athlete’s performance meets the standards of beauty established for the sport and a “perfect” performance is the goal.
In my own experience as a ballet dancer in my teens, instruction seldom involved praise for what was done well. Rather, instruction was based on corrections for what did not meet the desired ideal. In fact, we were encouraged to seek out criticism. If the teacher took enough notice of you to correct you, that meant you had potential and were worth the time to provide the (negative) feedback. This, in turn, leads to the development of a loud, and often negative, inner critic.
Many of my clients who were aesthetic athletes have vocal inner critics. They are very hard on themselves for being anything less than “perfect.” But, the professional world – unlike aesthetic athletics – rarely defines of what perfect is. Rather the individual defines the inner critic’s standard. This inner critic often acts like the class bully and these individuals get down on themselves for qualities and abilities that they feel they don’t, but should, possess. They are likewise quick to minimize their accomplishments.
But it’s not just former aesthetic athletes who succumb to their inner critic – everyone falls prey to negative self-talk once in a while. If you catch yourself thinking “you should,” “why didn’t you?”, “what’s wrong with you?” or “why can’t you?” that’s your inner critic at work.
The Good
The problem is, your inner critic can sometimes be helpful. For some people, a critical voice may be motivating or can provide a sense of control. For others, it may be the voice of reason that stops them from acting rashly or keeps their ego in check. I’ve noticed that many of my clients with a loud inner critic are empathetic, nurturing, and kind – perhaps because they know what it feels like to be subjected to negative feedback.
The Bad
In the extreme, however, the inner critic can be harmful. Thoughts influence how you feel and behave. If critical thoughts cause fear, guilt or shame, or if the inner critic is constant and persistent, it may cause us to avoid doing the things we need or want to do and can keeps us stuck. That can lead to feeling anxious, paralyzed, withdrawn, burnt-out or alone. If you find yourself doing a lot of avoiding – which might include procrastinating, engaging in addictive or automatic behaviors (e.g. repeatedly checking your smartphone, or watching excessive TV) or staying constantly busy (to avoid your own thoughts) - your inner critic may be trending toward an unhealthy extreme.
The Coachable
Here are a few strategies to help deal with a negative inner critic:
Aware - As with any pattern or habit, awareness is the first step in recognizing and managing your inner critic.
Acknowledge - Don’t try to eliminate your inner critic – that may actually make it get louder! Instead, acknowledge and try to understand it. What does your inner critic say? Does it show up in specific situations? What is important to it? Listen carefully for when your inner critic is generalizing (“I always”, “I never”), personalizing (“it’s my fault”), or emotionally rationalizing (“I feel X so I must be X”) and gently remind it that these are exaggerations and re-frame the thoughts in a more balanced, realistic manner.
Address - Look more closely at the inner critic. Just like with the class bully, you may discover fear or insecurity underneath the bully façade. Ask yourself “what am I afraid of? What would it mean if that happened? And what would that mean?”
Ask - When you notice your inner critic at work, ask yourself what you would say to a friend or your child if they were having the same thoughts that you are. Treat yourself as you’d treat a friend.
Act - If your inner critic says something that is objectively accurate, remember that you have a choice. You can let your inner critic bully you into inaction or you can choose to accept your limitation and to work to become better.
While a healthy inner critic can fuel your progress, overly harsh negative self-talk can impede your performance and get in the way of reaching your goals. Fulfillment in work and in life depend on learning how to discern between healthy and harmful self talk.
Debra Doroni is a certified executive and leadership coach. This article is for information purposes only and should not be seen as substitute for medical or therapeutic evaluation and advice.
Sources:
Rachel Eddins, “Working with Your Inner Critic,” Psychcentral.com.
Amy Morin, "Taming Your Inner Critic: 7 Steps to Silencing the Negativity”, Forbes.com, November 2014.
Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., “A Surprising Way to Quiet Your Inner Critic,” Psychcentral.com World of Psychology blog.
Wikipedia: Inner Critic.
